I started on this the day after Mother's Day 2020 #CoronaDays
It is now August and so much has happened!!! Of course, but I'll start by where I left off......
They wheeled me to a room with just a tiny FLAT steel bed, and told me the anesthesiologist was on his way. "Why do I need him". They were quiet. Then a doctor comes in and starts breaking down the entire procedure. "I said wait, so is all of this happening now?" He said "yes in like to minutes... didn't anybody explain this to you?" (coldly) Because of his tone I started to tear up again. I felt like an item, a thing, just another procedure to them. That's what I felt like. This was probably regular protocol but I felt like just a somebody. I mean yes, hundreds of women had gone through this the way I was going through it but I didn't know it, especially at that time. I had no idea that even celebrities (Kim Kardashian, Beyonce, Mariah Carey, Jane Seymor) have had this same thing happen where they had to have an emergency C section because of a thing call preeclampsia. So I felt like I was special up in that hospital, ( I know the correct grammar) but I want you to feel it like me. I was pretty special, you know? A child of God, and that's what I had been telling myself while I was there to keep my spirits up. " I am special, I am loved, I am a child of God, I will be ok..." So when I was whisked away, put into a room and asked, " didn't anyone tell you this", my self esteem started to dwindle. I had already grown up with low self esteem, so through the years I had to fight to do things to make myself feel like I was worth "it". Anyway another story for another day. And trust me it's not all bad and melodramatic but I gotta get that stuff out the way first. So I just looked at him and couldn't answer for fear of crying in front of him and his nurse. By then the anesthesiologist comes in, I guess that's what he's called, the one who gives the pregnant women the epidural. He says "ok we're going to inject this needle and you have to hold real still" I said "well wait, I didn't want to get an epidural...."
I didn't want an epidural for a few reasons.
1. It totally went against my "natural child birth experience" (LOL yes I was thinking of that at THIS time, smh)
2. There were women who had gotten an epidural and they told me not to get it because according to them, I would have excruciating back pain all the time... forever (that's what they said) Side note, for those of you who have had an epidural and are reading this, let me know of your of experience after the fact and presently. My experiences about that are coming later. Back to the story
The doctor said "maam, I am not going to let them do this surgery without an epidural. Mind you I didn't really know what a C section was. I knew my mom had one with my younger sister, but my mom made everything look like literal walk in the park. If I would have known to the extent of what she went through at that time I would have MAYBE talked back a little less back in the day because OMG this thang is no joke. I'm STILL numb in areas where they cut me. Ok I'm trying to stay focused you guys! So they're doing their thing, I got the shot and they're ready to deliver. I was so nervous because I was by myself but I remember my husband saying something about how his mother was on her way but everything was happening so fast, I couldn't really tell them to wait, they were set on getting this done as fast as possible. All of a sudden my mother in law literally BURST through the door! She was breathing like she had been running! She said "Tajshina I'm here" her words and the way she spoke so urgently was so comforting to me. She immediately started praying which was exactly what I needed. You know how sometimes you need the prayer but can't for some reason do it yourself? Yeah, she was that for me. As soon as she touched me and started praying, I started crying because I knew then what was really happening. I knew this was serious, because it was serious to her. My mother in law is a get it done, no excuses kind of person. She's a "I'm gonna make it happen" type person, she's also a God has it all in control type of person but given the opportunity she will try to control as well lol. When I saw how serious she was by the look on her face and the way she was praying, although I was nervous, it made me relax and trust God and trust the fact that He allowed her to make it right on time. If she was just a few minutes late, they would have started without her and I would've been alone.
The next thing I remember is the sound of the drill, (warning, this is graphic) I could feel everything going on but there was no pain. I felt the "saw" going from side to side and with each stride, my body moved from left to right. I was horrified with what was happening. I felt the drill getting deeper and deeper. I'm not sure if I blacked out a little bit but when I came to, the nurse said "um would you like me to give you something"? I said anything to keep me from losing my mind right now because I was NOT prepared for this. She gave me something that calmed me. It didn't put me to sleep right away but I was calm and less horrified. (smh)
Anyway I heard a cry and it was the most beautiful sound in the world. I don't know if I imagined it or what but I heard it. Then I hear, "it's a boy!" That's when I sort of fainted a little. It was like I was asleep and when they said boy, I thought they were talking to another lady in the room. Not knowing that I was the only lady having a baby in this room. But I thought for sure I was sharing a room with another lady and we were having our baby at the same time. So again someone said "it's a boy!" My mother in law walked up to the front of the delivery table where my head was and shook me... "Tajshina, Tajshina" wake up! "it's a boy!" I said weakly, "no I have a girl". She said NO Tajshina! It's a boy! And I said hardly audible " a boy?" Then she starts laughing, at least that's what I'm imagining and half dreaming at the time. And she disappeared, everyone disappeared. I blacked out again and woke up in a recovery room with my sister in law at the foot of the bed waiting for me to wake up. "You finally decided to join us'? or something to that nature, she said because she's real sarcastic lol. Whatever it was it made me laugh immediately and then I stopped because it hurt to laugh, and it hurt to move, and I didn't even realize what had happened. She just kept cracking jokes one after another. It wasn't until my mother in law came into the room and told me that I had, had a boy and they needed a name for him so she named him that I quickly came to! You named him? Wait a minute! Him?? She said "yes Tajshina, you had a boy and they needed a name for him and you were out of it so I named him Josiah". I said WHAT! I just remember thinking ok... well I can't do anything about it, lol. She was so confident and happy with the name and she said it like nothing, like oh yeah and by the way... I named your BABY!!! LMBO! So I laid back down and thanked God that at least it was a cute and meaningful name. I had no idea I could change it later, you know because I was new at this and everything was just happening without my permission!! LOL! She had given him a middle name but I don't remember what it was. I'll have to ask her... If anyone knows my mother in law, you know that she is one of the kindest human beings you've met. She's all about family and if you need a family, she will make you part of hers. She's a strong woman of faith who fears God. If she thinks you're wrong about something, she has no problem letting you know, because at the end of the day, if she believes it's right, she's going to stand on it! She doesn't like bullies and doesn't tolerate disrespect. She's what you would want in a mother in law, because she loves hard, but she don't play though! So again when she named my baby, I had better not say ANYTHING! LOL
I had a name for my baby, my baby girl. The one they told us we would have. Her name would have been Royalty AMore, the middle name was also with the help of my mother in law. I remember how we had prepared, people had given us baby girl gifts, and my mother in law had spent quite a bit on decorations and such for a girl baby shower.
We (my husband and I) were blessed all the way around, baby girl or baby boy, at that moment it didn't matter because I was happy to be alive, I was happy there was a baby to name, and I was happy that I wasn't alone.
So Tajshina why weren't YOUR parents or (family) there?...
I grew up in such a tight nit, sheltered, and loving family. Somewhere down the line, that family dynamic changed and it broke my heart into pieces never imagined. My parents had previously shown me and my husband that they didn't honor our union the way we did. When I saw that they weren't respectful of our union I started to prepare my heart for discouragement. What do I mean? I would have conversations with my parents and the conversations were one sided. I couldn't talk to them about my new life, which included marriage because they weren't happy for me. It took me a very long time to say this out loud, to come to this realization because it was just so unbelievable to me how MY family couldn't and wouldn't support something so good in my life. This wasn't us, this wasn't me, this wasn't MY family. My family was the family who everyone saw as the "perfect" family. We were far from that, we were perfectly imperfect. It's going to take a good "minute" to set the whole "parent" foundation because I want to express this with truth and transparency in a way that will hopefully in turn help who ever reads this. So with that being said I've taken up enough of your time and I want plenty of time and space to talk about this, but I promise to be back with more. In the meantime, continue to take care of your family, while we continue to love over here!! "Goodnight"
(August 7, 2020)
